So I’ve been avoiding writing this post…
I’ve been really scarce around here. The truth is I’ve been dealing with something fairly consuming and personal that I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to post anything about, but I realized that I didn’t really feel like I had anything else to say or like I was really being honest by avoiding it, and today I kind of reached my boiling point on holding it in.
My husband and I have been “trying” for over 5 months. I know this isn’t a long time, but I’ve also known for years that I have a bunch of issues that would make it difficult to conceive. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and it’s been a huge fucking pain in my ass to deal with these past few months. I did acupuncture (twice a week for about 3 months, a total of 31 times, finally just kind of gave up on that bc it was expensive), cut out most gluten and sugar, went on medication (metformin), which I had to go off of Friday because my liver enzymes were elevated. Awesome. I also started my mostly working from home very flexible schedule to try to de-stress as much as possible. I’m still pretty irregular and don’t know if I’m remotely better off than I was 5 months ago.
It is so unbelievably frustrating and sad to feel like your body is letting you down and not doing what it was designed to do. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I feel helpless. I feel like I’m trying everything I can and nothing is helping. Every time I think maybe it’s actually working I feel so SO stupid for even thinking or hoping it would work. I can’t help but feel like it’s a sign I’m not meant to have a baby, a sign that only seems to be getting stronger and stronger with each new issue that arises.
It’s now at the point that I know I most likely have to take the next step and go to a fertility specialist. I’ve been really trying to avoid it but I think it’s about time. Further complicating things is the fact that I have a condition that will make me high risk when I actually get pregnant. I will need to be on blood thinner shots my whole pregnancy. If I need to go on more medication to conceive I’ll likely need to go on the blood thinners now, which makes me scared and sad.
I’m trying to think positively, which is hard for me to begin with, but it just feels like “damn it I can’t catch a fucking break here”. So that’s why I haven’t been around so much…Sorry to just unload all this but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I will say that you dont realize how common these types of issues are or what other people are/have gone through until you actually talk about it, even though a lot of people seem to avoid talking about it. So I’m hoping sharing what I’m going through will help a bit.